I was there with him the whole time till his last breath. holding him on his last journey. his last few seconds of his life.
first time i felt his hands. never have i really held it before. usually he's the one who will grab my wrist and pull me close to him whenever he wants to talk to me. but that was when i was younger. i was usually shy.
everytime when i stayed over at his place, he would fetch me after work. I would flinch at the fishy smell and maybe that's why i have always not really like touching his hands or going near him. afraid to smell that smell.
little did i know. those are the sacrifices he made for his family. and me. having little sleep and little time with his family. just so they can lead a good life without having to fear if they have enough money. having the fishy smell that cannot be removed unless u used soap with strong antiseptic smell. i can still remember that smell.
the one of best times of my childhood days always happen at their place. they have never once been stingy on me. always giving me the things i want. making sure that i feel at home. i have always enjoyed my stay there that i have always wanted to stay just a day longer. and without fail, no matter how tired he was from work, he will always send me home after dinner.
i regretted not having shared many words. maybe a little when he was sick. but even then, we did not have much to say. i thought he could recover. i guess i did not expect that it was so short. so swift. and he left.
The day before he left us, i went into the room. he could barely speak then with the tube in his mouth. his eyes were barely opened. he was struggling to. but he acknowledged my presence. somehow, it didn't take me much to tell him that i love him alot. and that he was a really good godfather to me. and that he must remember that. he nodded. i saw tears in his eyes. i knew he must have things he want to say. but he didn't have the strength.
he gave me so much before. my childhood.. when everyone was against me, he was the only person who understood and supported my idea. yet all i can do was to hold on to him when he walked his last journey of life.
I have never knew he meant so much to me. until one day i cried all the way on the train till i reached home. and i was still crying. crying for this man who led a tough life. not for himself but people around him.
I will always remember him and what he thought me.
Gan die, go peacefully.
.CHAOTA-FIED.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
He's going to be gone gone and gone forever..
from me. He could barely open his eyes. barely. i can see he is trying very hard. so hard that he is using all the strength he have just to stay alive.
unfair. that's all i can say. for someone who worked so hard for his life and even now nearing his death. why can't they just let him go? why? why does he have to suffer when he had given so much to people around him? he was supposed to enjoy retiree's life.
he was so good to me. yet what have i given him? i asked myself. i wished i have given him more. wishes shall remain as wishes. i will never get a chance to fulfill them. never.
i know one part of my life will feel empty from then on. everytime i go visit his place, the seat where he usually sits at my house. i will remember. and that's painful. to know he is leaving us. what i can only hope is that he will go with no regrets. at least let him go without any pain At all.
.CHAOTA-FIED.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
So close to being dead
i wonder how it feels. 'rather dead than alive'. i can see it now.
it's different from what's on the tvs or the dramas.. in reel life it's dramatic. in real life it ain't dramatic. or rather... it's peaceful. too peaceful for a common soul.
tears. have they any meaning at all?
How's he feeling right now? can he hear me through the glass door? i hope he can.
he probably just needs some sleep. a long sleep. he hasn't had such a long sleep probably for a long time. he was always working round the clock. i guess he deserves the sleep now.
he look so peaceful. in deep sleep. but do remember to wake up. fight on ok?
you're just so close to making it back.
.CHAOTA-FIED.
ABOUT ChaotaGirl
` she is chaota. literally.
` she is in love. with many things.
` she laughs alot ! -..-)
` she embrace happiness
` she wants him to be home safe.
ChaoTa ADDICTIONS
` mr fishy
` Dragonboat
` Dark Chocs!
` Strawberry Yan Yan
` Hokkaido Green Tea Ice cream
` Vanilla Ice Cream
` Gummies
` KTV!
