.this is my life.

Friday, June 02, 2006

the last 2 days have passed like whirlwind for me..
everything jus starts unwinding so fast in front of me.
there weren't even time for me to react.
if only i can turn back time.
sounds cliche thgh everyone wish they can do that.

so glad he was there for me yesterday.
i actually feared that this will be the end for us.
like a full stop.
jus be normal frens that wad my parents say.
they say i am too young.
they say i can't handle this tog with all my school activities.
they say i have to wait till uni's over.
they say i will have alot to choose from when i start working.

yar. i noe! i noe! i noe!!
i have heard this like a thousand times.
it's been like so many years..
thrg sec sch.. thrg jc..
all the while i have listened to them.
cannot get into r/s blah blah blah.
i have heard that a million times and i have stuck to it.
i have listened to them all the while.
and all the while i have hoped that things will change when i come uni.
wishful thinking.. some might say.
i thot i understand my parents well..
i thot that it's time for them to release the kite..
the kite they say they have released but will pull it back sometimes..
but sometimes i wonder.. have they really released the kite..?
did they pull it back even before it has the chance to even fly higher.. to reach further..?

sometimes i feel that they are so afraid that the kite will break and fly away from them..
sometimes i feel that they are so afraid that the little girl that they dote on.. that they cared for so much will leave them one day.
sometimes i feel that they are so afraid that somehow they no longer knew this little girl that has grown up.

how am i suppose to give them assurance?
to let them trust me again?
to let them know that i am still that little girl that they always know?

sometimes i wish they will listen to what i have to say.
they don't have to agree to everything i say.
but just listen, not be defensive and try to instill all the values that they want me to know.

i am going to reach twenty soon..
i know what are things i should do and not.
i know my limits.
i know that i have not changed.
sometimes i just wish they know too.

Maybe because i have been listening to them for all these years..
Maybe because i have always been the "obedient"girl..
and when i decide to follow my heart..
they think i have changed.
i think it's just the growing up process..
it's time when they need to know what i have to say..
what's on my mind..
but do they understand?

the last 2 days..
i have seen alot.
i thought alot.
i heard alot.
heard the most hurtful words my dad ever said to me.
i think it just slipped his tongue.
Was already putting up a brave face.
Don't cry chao ta girl. u got to be strong.
but i couldn't suppress the tears when i heard those words.
wilson says he's probably angry.
yar i noe. it came out of concern.
i guess when they get desperate.. when they are faced with no choice.
when they want to protect their little girl.. they will go to the extreme.

cipto jus msged me good luck.
thanx cip ><
really need that.
sometimes jus a word of encouragement for them is jus so heart warming..
so glad that i have frens who are there for me.. who give us their blessings..
u all know who u are..those who are here and those who are in the far away land -amadeo and wend ( girl..u prob dun noe this yet.. haven't got the chance to mail u yet (: )
people thanx k.. you guys are great (:

I am going to wipe away my tears for u people (:
and for him.
dear.. so touched you still wanna be stuck with me through this long journey.
it's going to be a long wait..
it's going to be really hard and tough for us.
i say it will be unfair to u..
but u say don't worry and don't think so much
maybe it's a blessing in disguise for us.
it's a test for us and it will make us stronger.
u say...you won't let this small hiccup break us up and you will always be there for me.
me too ><

maybe this is all part of a growing up process.
i think i am beginning to learn more. and be more sensitive to people around me.
i think it's time i spent more time with my family too.
been sacrificing my time with them for school activities.
time to re-evaluate.
recharge myself for a new chapter.

Mr Fish we are going to work hard together k!
And i am looking forward to the day when the dark skies clear (:

hmmm.. have said alot in this entry.
usually i keep all this to myself.
but i thot by sharing somehow someone out there.. might jus need a little hope.
Jus know that you are never alone k.

-chao ta girl spirits :D-

.CHAOTA-FIED.

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